husband's abusing

[suffering]

i came with my husband on H4 and i cannot work...he always wanted me to do a job and used to tell me always that he married me that i will do job as i m MCA.but becoz of market situation i cannot get one.He never liked me sitting home but it's not possible for me to work here.He abuses me sometimes and threatens me that he will beat me..i have told nobody about this...whoever meet us thinks us to be the Best couple as he is Best outside and i never told about him to them.Before marriage his family always knew that he is very Angry man so they always tried for our best adjustment and it helped also.But somehow now my in-laws felt that he is extra good to me,so they don't bother for us rather they don't like this thin as i think.His siblings are real good if i will share with them they will definitely help me without letting my husband knowing that they know everything.Sometimes i think it is better to discuss in initial stage than to tell all at last stage...sometimes i think it is private life and i shudnot tell anyone.I cannot listen to the abuse he gives me and threats of beating me.It's tough also when u r alone in this country.What shud i do?I can do job in India...Do u suggest me to go to India and do job and he staying here doing job as he is always concerned about the expenditures he is making on me though i never put any demands as i know him.Please suggest something good.

[guest]

I have come across many Indian couples recently married and a major adjustment & understanding problems they are going thru due to the soft economy. This is definitely a problem today in this country as either spouse has certain expectations set & today it cannot be achieved.

Inorder to get sanity to the marriage, one should reach out someone locally and try to resolve the problems. I support a voluntary organization called Raksha & it is in Atlanta, GA. If you are based there then we can help you if not let us know where you live & we can help you reach similar voluntary organizations formed by Indians to help. The other best thing to do is to somehow convince the spouse to go back to India & sit down with your families & resolve this matter once for all. Dont allow it to drag too long as it can result in any direction. Take care & let us know if you need help.

[suffering]

I am very thankful for your reply the way you have said to extend help.But the thing is like if my husband will come to know I am sending such messages in discussion forum he will get angry.Moreover the way you are saying you can come to any place where i live that will definitely lead to my divorce.I feel humilated when he abuses me actually he donno abuse me for not doing job.He abuses me when he is angry and i give him reply.He wants me just to listen when he is angry.He abuses me.If i say why u r abusing he says me to get quiet or least he can slap me.At that time I also get scared and then feel Sorry even when i don't want to just for resolving the matter but afterwards i feel very bad and feel like giving divorce to him.You know in India parents feel bad when such things happen like divorce so i am quiet on matter.The thing is how long i can continue....Will i be able to or not....????I need moral support and tactics to handle him.Please suggest me some tactics to handle me if you can.Anyway, i am very thankful for this that you have replied me.

[guest1]

Well, based on what your writing, looks like there is some mis-understanding/mis-communication/frustration involved. I think you need to handle this very diplomatically & tactically, one thing that you can do is to sit down & talk to him when he is in a cool mind & discuss the issue by understanding what is goin on in his mind.

You should find the root cause of why he is reacting like that, may be he is over worked, may be he is frustrated with this job that he is doing, or have a rude boss who is just not willing to appreciate any of his efforts etc. etc. etc. So first sit down & discuss it out. The other best medicine is never reply back to him when he is in this mood, just ignore & keep chanting OM, dont respond anything & just keep your mum. After a while he will definitely realize that he is doing something wrong & he has to correct. I do this when we have similar problems @ home. Also understand that less time that we spouses spend with our spouses the more agitated they get, so spend more time, keep him happy, enjoy life dont brood over anything.

Anger can be overcome by many means, understand that if you really want to teach him a good lesson, let him know that you will give up food & water immediately & then if you fall sick, it will be more trouble for him not only bearing the brunt of the hospital costs, but also leaving work & dedicating time towards her & other complications.

I am not saying any of the above are the best remedies but trust me sitting & talking is the only solution which only you both should do.

Take care
If you have an e-mail id or contact details let me know I will be more than happy to contact you & speak with you personally.

[suffering]

Hey,Thx for your concern.Actualy the thing is like cause of this attitude is he is like this only from childhood,angry person and never ready to listen anything when he is angry.I most of the time remain quiet in angry situations but the thing is that leaves a strong impact on my mind and i start hating him.He is good also...but he is very moody..i spend my time with him as much as i can but sometimes when i take care of kids i m not able to give much attention...but earlier when kids were not there...i used to give him all my time and he sometimes used to be rude....and like not eating anything...i never tried that...i can do that...u pls gimme ur mail-id so that in future if i have such problem i can talk to u...as i m like u can say relaxed after having discussion with you when i am far away from my family,Thx for your help!I appreciate it.

[guest1]

Hey, you are welcome anytime, if we Indians dont help fellow Indians outside our country wherelse can we look for help or who else can we look for. This is an open forum & hence I do not want to give my e-mail id here:eek

you can ask any questions here & I can respond let's keep it that way for now.

By the way which state/city do you live?

[suffering]

Thx for your feelings..i will create a new mail-id and will give you.I was also reluctant to give mail-id becoz it is open forum,i will create one for this purpose tomorrow and will give you.Thx for devoting ur time and answering promptly.Have a Wonderful Good Night!talk to u tomorrow

[friend]

Hi. You know reading your posting reminded me of my own marriage problems. I had a very similar problem. But I some how solved it. So what I wanted to say to you is that don’t give up, there is always hope as far as the person basically you think is good. Its just his temper that’s causing problem, hang on and everything will be fine. If you want to know my personal strategies to solve this situation? then let me know your Email id and then we could talk on personal level.
I would be very glad to help you out.

[suffering]

i have made mail-id
centuryswing@yahoo.com
Pls send me one mail at this address so that i cam mail back telling you all details.Thx

[Maddy]

Hi listen , Do you like him or Love him???

If yes then put on with him , I know no man in this world is worst , due to some time period he may be doing this kind . I think he is born and brought up like that .
Start finding job once you get everything will be fine.

we can't change people that easy ..

Take time .. all the best

Need help reply to this message

your
MITR

[Jyothi]

Its a most common problem specially in NRIs.

I could see the following potential reasons/Psychology for such behavior:

#1. "Since other couples have dual earnings. Specially his friend’s wives are working.

#2. Wants to make more money, and thinks if wife also earn can have Big bank balance soon, Atleast when you logon online can see Figures and numbers and summing up faster.(Damn! Internet ..check the Bank Balance 10 times a day..)

#3. Unhappy with some thing else (could be any thing like certain expectations, which he couldn't find in you) and this is the one way he can show his frustration on you.

#4.He actually doesn't love you. Is he loving in nature ?

#5.Superiority complex , and thinks that you don’t actually have guts to get the JOB.

#6. Does he understands, how difficult to ge the job in current market conditions?

Now possible solutions:

#1. Communicate to him, sit down and discuss it, tell her your in heart conditions tell him that such conditions are killing you from inside and you are depressed. Discuss the consequences. Alternatives.

#2. Evaluate yourself see if there is something which you can fix with your day to day activities, or any other expectations which he expects from you.

#3. Ask what’s really he wants.

#4. If he doesn’t understand, try to involve Parents from both end sit down and discuss it with all possible alternatives.
And finally,
Try to resolve it peacefully and open talk. Don't just keep tolerating, Speak up and let him know ITS ENOUGH .. If it doesn’t work find your way, Dont waste your precious love to some jerk who doesn’t care about you. Have confidence and live your life with JOY ..and happiness that’s what counts..
NRI + MONEY + Status ......are secondary.
"If you are happy, you are successful".

[suffering]

Thx for ur advices.Actually the problem is like ya i used to love that person a lot(i mean my husband) but the day he abused me..frankly speaking,he is the person whom i hate most as i feel sometime...
Even though sometimes i feel like he is good basically but becoz of his bringing up he is like that and also he always wanted his wife to be working.He never told me this when we got married at that point of time they were looking for a girl whi respect and love their family but now he says Job was obvious beoz of my qualification i told him if he would have told me that he wants working wife i would have never married him as i was always in temporary job.Like u know there r always small things on which couples views vary but always whenever we have argument over anything it stops that i m not having a job so all this...i have a baby also and i donno want to send her to daycare when i can look after this is also the thing i cannot do job.And when someone says me things so badly then i never do...sometimes i think i will do job and day i will start i will leave him.I know he is not bad at heart but after all i am human being i cannot tolerate the abuses and humilation.....now though he has abused me no. of times but from the first day when he abused me i hate him and just feel like having revenge.
Inspite of all that goes in my heart i am very good towards him.ILove him try to give him all my attention but now last time when he abused me i have stopped giving him any sort of attention as i don't feel like.I am sure of getting job in India sometimes i think that i shud go back and do job there but i don't want to stay witjh his family also now but to declare all this looks like problem for me as it affects my parents.
I just wanted to know is this the problem with every couple.Are the ladies abused and threatend to have a beat or are beat by their husbands or mine is only exception in this 21st century.

[allthebest]

Visit desh either both or you alone & after that sit down & speak to him calmly. If he loves you he will listen to you. If not seek help from your parents in India.
May God help you